Valentine’s Day Menus for Your Ex-Lovers – No Poison Involved. Mostly.

I know I haven’t posted in forever, and I know I should write a post saying how sorry I am and explaining how my treatment is going. My problem is that I’ve been trying to write that post for at least a month now. It’s obvious that I have some kind of mental block.. Rather than spend other month waiting to be ready, I thought I’d just go ahead and write some snark. It makes me happy, and I hope it makes you happy too. 

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Lifestyle and food sites have been  awash with ideas for romantic Valentine’s Day menus. I refer to those posts as 50 ways to overeat with your lover, not that there’s anything wrong with that. These Valentine’s Day menus are full of dishes like Radicchio and Arugula Salad with Roasted Pepper Dressing and Burrata Crostini or Chocolate Pomegranate Torte

All of these menus send the message that if you’re single and don’t feel inadequate and alone by the time you’ve finished reading those menus, you’re not doing it right. If you have a current love of your life, and you don’t spend days prepping for a romantic feast, you clearly don’t care for your current paramoure.

You’ll also find all kinds of articles on women’s sites telling you what you can eat if you’re alone and heartbroken. It’s obvious that the people who write for these sites just need to rub salt in the wound of your bitter, forlorn heart. Some of these articles actually have the fucking nerve to give you healthy suggestions. The only thing that’s ever helped the serotonin in my brain is wearing my ugliest pair of pajamas while eating vast quantities of cold pizza and Ben & Jerry’s straight from the carton, Serve this with the only bottle of liquor you can find through your tear swollen eyes: cinnamon schnapps

Rather than just giving you more menu suggestions for a romantic evening, I decided to be a bit more practical. These menus are tributes to various ex-boyfriends in my life. These men and their peers still exist, and women are still dating and/or are married to them. If any of these guys had been polite enough to think about serving me a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner, I’m also noting what they probably would have served. I’m providing these menus as a public service – it’s kind of like the food equivalent to a spotter’s guide for birds, only replace birds with assholes. The exes I’m referring to are men, but they apply to all relationships with sorry excuses for humanity. My snark knows no sexual orientation or gender boundaries. I’m just here to help you get revenge and find the strength to walk out that door.

I am also providing a few suggestions for foods to counter some of these menus. Love is a battlefield, and you’re going all Games of Thrones on his ass. The names of these menus are just random names and bear no likeness to men I may have dated {ahem}. Unless you’re reading, Scott; I want my copy of Four Weddings and a Funeral back.

Let’s get started:

fuckoffearrings

The Tom Menu: We’ve all had the ex who thinks empty gestures, and GQ articles hold the secret to getting in your pants. He reads Cosmo just so he can tell you which of the “80 ways to please your man” he prefers. He requires thongs and brazilians and may have a copy of International Male lying around.

What he will serve you: He’ll light scented Glade candles to set the mood. Expect Dom Perignon from the man who has more money than taste. Or Cold Duck for the man who has neither. Please remember this guy is the man who picked you up by telling you “I’ve got skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow?” Don’t be surprised when he serves oysters because he googled ‘aphrodisiacs’.Please hope he knows as much about shellfish safety, as he does about cheesy pickup lines. For dessert, he’ll suggest whipped cream and hot fudge for your erotic enjoyment before you head for the bedroom. The man has clearly gone to the Mickey Rourke school of seduction. Surprisingly, I think going this route is a fantastic idea, and you should follow his lead. I’m going to let you freestyle this option. My only guidance: the scene in Nine ½ weeks also involved jalapenos. Go.

What you will end up serving him: the unsexiest meal you can imagine in the hopes he’ll quit pawing at you. How about a salad with fat free dressing and a container of Activia yogurt?

The menu I’d suggest you serve to him? Serve a tossed salad with kumquats and cock-a-leekie soup just to get his hopes up. Follow it with rump roast sprinkled liberally with saltpeter. Instead of crystal and candlelight, provide him with a copy of ‘Sex for Dummies” and an illustration of where the clitoris is.

The John menu: This is a menu that celebrates your boyfriend who was less than well endowed: He also acts like a little prick. John? We know that we told you that size doesn’t matter. That was just a lie to reassure you, so we could escape before the pillow weeping started.

What will he serve you? Does it matter? You already know the portions aren’t big enough.

What you will end up serving him: pizza, a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a bottle of cinnamon schnapps. Serve with the reassuring words ‘It’s not you; it’s me’ as you walk out the door.


What you should serve him: Start out with an appetizer of cocktail weenies. Follow that up with a spread of cured meats – focus on link sausages. For dessert? Spotted dick.

The Matt menu: This is the man who previously dated a woman with an impeccably done boob job and an eating disorder. You will never be as skinny as her, and he will never quit reminding you of that fact. He thinks you’re lucky he’s willing to go out with him.

What he will serve you: Nothing but heartbreak

What you will make end up making him: a romantic breakfast in bed that you made after getting up at 2 in the morning to start preparing it.

What you should serve him: A pack of gardettos snack mix, Maddog kiwi-lime and a bus ticket to Peoria. For dessert, serve him the most delectable cookies you can make (these are my suggestion) and when he reaches for that second cookie, tell him that he should probably put the cookie down, since it’s going to go right to his ass. If you still insist on serving him breakfast in bed, you might think about using a chainsaw to cut the coffee cake. Wearing a red splattered prom gown might send the message that you are not a woman to be trifled with.

donteatanothercookie

The Scott Menu: This is the man who wanted to turn you into a stepford wife. He probably also has a mother who still washes and folds his underwear, and who would be the scariest MIL ever.

What he will serve you: The menu? What menu? There is no way he’ll deign to fix you food. That’s women’s work.

What you will serve him: a multi-course meal that involves such delicacies as salmon you cured yourself, homemade lobster macaroni and cheese, and chocolate eclairs you made yourself. You made all of these dishes in an effort to show what a nurturing and great girlfriend you are. In fact, you’d make an even better wife.

What you should serve him: The only way to deal with this man is to swill a few cocktails beforehand. Go to his apartment and tell him you’re screwing the UPS man (he’s like a milkman with shorts that show off his sexy legs, and he’s got a great package). Serve a souffle with a perky smile right before you pack your suitcase. Raspberry Fool would be a great dessert to remind you of what an idiot you’re being. Serve with a cocktail of shame and regret shaken with your tears.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all the scorned lovers out there. May you have the mental fortitude to walk out on the horrible man in your life, and may the mourning period after you do this be short, just like Seth. And Matt? If you’re reading this, I hope you choke on that olive in your martini.

If you actually like the man/woman in your life, here’s a few suggestions on lovely things to serve him/her:
Red Cabbage, Pear, and Cranberry Slaw with Maple-Yogurt Dressing
Crisp Roasted Chicken with Chickpeas, Lemons, and Carrots
Filet Mignon with a Shiitake, Red Wine & Shallot Sauce
Roasted Garlic, Gruyere and Rosemary Pizza
Three Cheese Fondue with Champagne and Brie
Chicken Gratin With Onion Sauce and Gruyere
Pasta with Sausage, Leeks, and Fontina
Roasted Carrots with Cumin and Lime
Roasted Broccoli with Parmesan
Chocolate Mousse with Olive Oil
Perfect Snickerdoodles
Black Bottom Banana Cream Bars

These are also some great recipes from other sites.

10 Comments on Valentine’s Day Menus for Your Ex-Lovers – No Poison Involved. Mostly.

  1. Sherri
    February 14, 2014 at 11:41 am (5 months ago)

    SO GREAT to hear from you again! I’ve wondered about you and have missed your funny posts. Thanks for this one!!! Hope you are well.

    Reply
    • Kristina
      February 14, 2014 at 6:51 pm (5 months ago)

      I am attempting to reply to you for the fifth time today, so forgive me if you’ve gotten more than one notification email. For some reason my replies all looked like they were from you. I didn’t want anyone to think you were talking to yourself. :D It seems to be fixed now.

      Thanks so much Sherri. I’m glad you liked the post, and I’m glad to be posting again. Glad, but also nervous. My brain has turned to complete mush since going through radiation. It’s been frustrating for me. I’m glad the snark actually came through OK!

      Reply
  2. Darlynne
    February 14, 2014 at 12:34 pm (5 months ago)

    “… it’s kind of like the food equivalent to a spotter’s guide for birds, only replace birds with assholes …” BWAHAHAHAHA!

    My Valentine’s Day is complete now, thank you. Bring the snark, talk about what pleases or moves you. If you write it, we will read (because “we will come” was heading in a direction I didn’t intend).

    PS: “… and may the mourning period after you do this be short, just like Seth.” Seth?

    Reply
    • Kristina
      February 14, 2014 at 7:56 pm (5 months ago)

      If you just got tons of reply notifications from me, I apologize. My blog went a little weird on me. And thank you! I’m glad it made you laugh. And I’m so glad you started reading my blog oh-so-long ago! Seth was named up in the menu above. I hope that part makes sense after reading it. :D

      Reply
  3. Lisa
    February 14, 2014 at 4:18 pm (5 months ago)

    Hooray! It’s just the hilarious snark I needed for Valentine’s Day! So glad you’re posting again. I’ve missed cackling inappropriately loud at work when I read your posts.

    Reply
    • Kristina
      February 14, 2014 at 7:57 pm (5 months ago)

      Lisa – it makes my heart happy to know I make you cackle. And I apologize if you just got a bunch of replies notifications. My blog went rogue for a little bit.

      Reply
  4. mellissa @ ibreatheimhungry
    February 15, 2014 at 10:39 am (5 months ago)

    I have so missed you and your hilarious sense of humor! This post literally made me laugh out loud multiple times! I hope all of your exes read this and felt like crap! I especially loved the suggestions on what to serve them – seriously funny! Blogher should pick up this post so it can go viral!! Looking forward to reading more from you when you are up to it, and I hope that you are finally feeling better! XOXO

    Reply
    • Kristina
      February 28, 2014 at 2:55 pm (5 months ago)

      Oh Melissa – you’re the sweetest. Thank you – I felt a snark attack, so I just went with it. I’m going to try to post on a more regular basis. I even {gasp} made a recipe for the blog on Tuesday!

      Reply
  5. The Modern Gal
    February 23, 2014 at 8:37 am (5 months ago)

    If the Modern Love Machine ever gets out of hand, I’ll have to use the bit about the UPS man. Brilliant. Doubly damaging is the fact that his father works for UPS.

    Reply
    • Kristina
      February 28, 2014 at 2:55 pm (5 months ago)

      That would definitely cut to the core. It’d be worse if his mom ran off with another UPS guy. :D

      Reply

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