Kale chips are trending? Anyone who’s in the know knew they went out as soon as I decreed it. And moonshine will be the darling of the cocktail world? I live in East Tennessee and I can assure you that moonshine has always been darling. It’s kind of adorable that all these mixologists are discovering it now. Bless their little hearts.
It’s the beginning of February which has given me plenty of time to peruse all the various lists of food related products that will be trending in or out for 2013. Frankly? I’m not impressed. Who do these food editors and writers think they’re fooling? It’s obvious there is a need for real experts to help us with predicting trends. I have graciously offered my services since I am an expert, based on this one article I wrote.
1) Vegetables are going to be so hot this year. Why? Because every damn trend list has had this on it every single year for the last ten years. This is my safety net prediction, because we’re about to get freaky from here on.
2) After looking at these other lists, I see that I need to pick some other country’s cuisine that is out, while another is going to be very trendy. After a lot of research, I’m completely convinced that Icelandic cuisine is going to be so hot this year. Get ready for Hákarl fritters! Canadian food is so last year, because we all know Canada is full of assholes who will stop at nothing to spread socialism all over this great country, as if it were maple syrup.
Every year, Americans find a new third world country whose cuisine we can appropriate and make even better. Congratulations Burma (AKA Myanmar)! You win this year. Somalia? It was close, but no cigar. Maybe next year? I was really shocked that Bon Appetit picked Burma as well! Very impressive. Burma? Expect your native foods to be made into all kinds of delicious fusion dishes. You’ll also get to see Americans using Urban Outfitters to make a mockery of your country through the use of adorable t shirts like ‘What happens in Burma stays locked in solitary confinement!’ or ‘Burma until you just can’t Myanmar!’ or ‘Burma-Shave/now just / Burma-Slave’. Just remember when you see these witty puns on shirts at Target, all of us in the know will have moved on to the next third world country to exploit.
3) I keep hearing pie is over, but anyone who tells me pie isn’t cool is dead to me. Pies will be big in 2013 and HUGE in 2014. I’m always ahead of these trends, and I have big plans to start my new pie bakery called “Shut Your Piehole”. I’m putting it in the space where Cinnabons is now at our local mall. By force, if necessary. Expect a franchise in your local suburban mall soon!
What desserts are so tired and done? German chocolate cake. I asked a lot of experts about this (my husband), and they all agreed. So boring and so 2012. Rice pudding with raisins in it is also over. That dessert has actually been over, since I convinced the entire second grade class at St Bernard’s Elementary that the raisins in it were really engorged blood-filled ticks.
4) Hot new diet trends? I know they won last year, but Paleo or Primal diets will continue to take the year by storm until about June. Around that time, there will be a massive uprising by those of us who don’t want to hear about these damn diets 24 hours a day from people doing them, and they’ll all end up smothered in bread and mashed potatoes, never to be heard from again.
5) Artisanal Foods are over this coming year. So sorry to all you small producers out there. I know you all work really hard but come on! Can you really trust these “small producers”? They may put their heart and soul into their products, but is that really necessary? I’ve eaten cheese infested with maggots, but I refuse to eat cheese with someone’s heart in it. I mean for godsakes, I’m not Andrew Zimmern! I have standards. And Marcus drank a beer brewed with soul, and it wasn’t any better than Yuengling.
6) Food on sticks will still be hot, but this trend will be taking us to places we’ve never gone to before. This site is kind of on its game with the idea of push-pops coming back, but they don’t go far enough. I see this trend blowing up in the foodie world. In fact, a good friend of mine is starting a food truck where all the foods will be served out of push pops. I got a sample of his BBQ pork push-pop the other day, and it is amazing. I can’t wait until his noodle aspic push-pops are ready.
7) I’m a bit abashed, because I just decreed something out and used it in the above list. But I am officially decreeing that the term ‘foodie’ is so 2006. We, the people who live only for the greatest deity of all, Food, have transcended that term, and we’re choosing a new identity for ourselves. It may take a while to get around to all of you, but I am ordaining many of you as food cardinals and priests. When you die, I might beatify you and make you a saint. Obviously, I am your Pope and therefore omniscient.
8)Speaking of food trucks? So 2012. A lot of food truck owners are switching over to VW Bugs. First – they’re so adorable. Second – they have a much more homey feeling. Third – they have much better fuel efficiency. Fourth - the small space really makes workers very efficient. What has really been amazing is that workers for these Food Bugs are producing a lot of jobs for out of work clowns. Helping the economy with tasty food. What more could you ask for?
9) Obviously, quinoa is out. The hottest grain on the runway - triticale. Anything that tribbles like has to be glorious.
10) Cookie butter is the new Nutella. Expect to find it in everything, including savory dishes. I just wanted to make sure you’re all warned. I’m working on a blog post where I use it in a fondue with brie and lots of garlic. It will be amazing.
11) Salted caramels. Bacon caramels. Chai latte caramels. Black Forest marshmallows. Root Beer Marshmallows. Rhubarb & ginger marshmallows. BORING! Homemade caramels and marshmallows are so out this year. This year will be the year of homemade Skittles. Please get to work on this at once.
12)Hottest new meat this year? This isn’t for the timid, but it’s taking the real food world by storm. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with Buttermilk the goat. I’ve provided a video below to familiarize yourself in case you don’t know of her. She has now been successfully cloned.
A super-secret VIP party was held where only the loftiest of the food world’s hoi-polloi could attend. Andrew Zimmern, Anthony Bourdain, the elusive Ruth Bourdain, Guy Fieri, Marilyn Hagerty and Sandra Lee were among the lucky people in attendance. As the mystery course was served, gasps of awe could be heard over the loud gulps of Sandra finishing her fifth cocktail. Forget the clones – these lucky individuals actually got to eat the real Buttermilk.
Anthony and Andrew tried to hide their awe by bragging about the baby monkey foie gras they ate in Borneo. Marilyn raved about the ample portions and relaxed ambiance and swore she’d be back if they came up with a good chicken Parmigiana. Sandra was heard to slur “Deelushus, deelushus” several times before she was carried back to the governor’s mansion. We could not get a quote from Guy Fieri due to a tragic candlelight/hair product incident. Get well soon, Guy!
Ruth quickly shuffled away, a shawl wrapped so it covered her face and she did not speak. But the next day she tweeted: “Teeth nibble at crispy bits of sacrificial rite. Juice spurts down my throat. My mouth f@#*$ this offering. Buttermilk gave up the milk for free”
13)It wouldn’t be a real trend list if I didn’t throw trendy tips over to food bloggers! Food blogging props that will take the world by storm? Michael was ahead of the trend on this one. Expect lots more toilet paper to be accessorizing your favorite food blogger dishes this year. Miniature drag queens always make a baked good look more appetizing. And expect to see more duct tape. It can be used in to many amazing ways to showcase the food in your blog post. Except that horrible mustache duct tape. That’s so wrong.
Wouldn’t he look fabulous on a scone?
14)I had been hearing a lot about different artisanal dirts that can be lightly sprinkled over your trendy vegetables. But I am so glad that I talked to Jennifer from Last Night’s Dinner, and she let me know the real rage right now is ground up fire ants. There’s no way to add greater zest to your food.
15)Some assholes pompously decreed that Southern food is so passe. I’ve heard of several chefs dying in tragic biscuit accidents, but I have alibis for each and every one of these incidents. Besides we all know it’s bullshit. We all know that Northern food is so over this year. And Missouri? We’re sick of you riding on our coattails. You can’t sit with us anymore. Head over to the Northern lunchroom table.
Now that you’re all informed, I really want to see you food bloggers put these great ideas into action. And try to stay ahead of the trends – I’ve been hearing a lot about how dingo meat is starting to be utilized in baby food because of its nutritional value. Get creative bloggers! Dingo sliders anyone?
PS – I almost forgot to add this, but Michael Procopio? We all agree he had a great run in 2012, but he’s so not trendy enough for 2013.
I would like to thank Sean, Anita, Jennifer, Caitlin, Broderick & Kristi for helping me to find my funny again. They’re all marvelous. Go read their blogs and/or follow them on twitter.