I know, I know. I’ve been very remiss in posting on my blog. A lot of stuff has happened – good things, bad things, shitastic things, etc. I am exhausted. I am still drugged, but not nearly as much as before. I have only been given clearance by my husband to walk up and down the steps by myself (while he hovers in the background) in our house today. Trying to write a post explaining everything that has gone on seems like an insurmountable task. I’ll fill you in later. Right now I need the healing power of snark. ~ Kristina
Reading the blog posts and texts you attempted to write while high on hospital heroin is both disturbing and entertaining.
It is not possible to vomit up your toenails. If someone says “I literally vomited up my toenails”, you can make fun of them for their poor grammar and for lying.
If you’re having major food issues like nausea and are going to visit a medical facility in another city, don’t tweet asking for suggestions for good places to eat. You’re not going to go to any of those places. Why torture yourself?
It is almost impossible to come up with freelance story ideas to pitch when you’re participating in Pukegate Round Four. But if any editors happen to be reading this, I’ve got a great pitch involving ten different ways to spice up cream of wheat. Call me, K?
When dealing with nausea at a cancer center, make sure to wear pants and you might want to add knee pads. Running to four different bathrooms and skidding on hard tile to four different toilets in a skirt produces very impressive bruises. I even got “tile” burn. There’s only one reason for marks like that on your knees, and it should never involve cancer.
It is perfectly alright to repeat the mantra in your head over and over “No puking on Dr. Panella’s shoes. They look really expensive”.
If you post in a local young cancer survivors Facebook group asking for help dealing with nerve pain or nausea, you will get a lot of really good advice in the replies. You will also get about six messages sent to you that say that Magic Brownies helped them through some really dark times. A ‘friend’ tried this and that it didn’t seem to help her much, but she cared a lot less. She also ate half the food in the kitchen.
When prepping for and dealing with the aftereffects of an enema, you might need a way to distract yourself. This is not the time to pull out your favorite novel or your favorite cat video on youtube. You don’t want that tainted with the joys of an enema. This is the time to watch the ‘The Pussycat Dolls: Girlicious‘ or start reading a Tom Clancy novel. Those two will really help set the mood. Candles are nice too.
It is much more fun to be metaphorically full of shit rather than literally full of it.
When you tell the social worker that works with cancer patients that she is natural Xanax, make sure she knows that’s a compliment. If you really want to delight him/her, actually implement some of their suggestions in your life. They’re not used to that, so it’s always a sweet gesture.
If someone comes up to you and mentions the fact that you’ve lost weight, you should explain to them that losing 20 pounds is what happens when you vomit almost continually for 3 weeks. If they tell you to look on the bright side because “Hey – at least you lost weight”, it is perfectly legal to give them a swift punch to the throat. Senator Warren added a rider to the Farm Bill that makes that justifiable throat punching.
You may be one of those people who have taken pride in the fact that you never watch “reality” shows (except for RuPaul’s Drag Race – that’s like the intellectual level of a television version of Anna Karenina). However, you popped your reality cherry watching ‘Girlicious’, so it’s totally ok to then watch old episodes of X Factor. Only the UK version – that somehow makes it classier.
You are still allowed to call yourself a locavore if your diet temporarily consists of plain McDonalds’ hamburgers and Sprite. The Sprite is from the Fellini Kroger just down the street and Micky D’s is 1/2 mile away.
Wetting your lips with bourbon is a piss poor substitute for a proper drink. People – the bourbon industry has taken a pretty big hit. Please make up for my lack of drinking. Feel free to toast to Colleen.
If you have not showered in 6 days, after you shower you will shed a skin that looks remarkably like the baskalik’s skin in Harry Potter’s Chamber of Secrets.
You know that ‘Who to follow’ section of Twitter? It’s ok to find it hilariously funny when the best nurse practitioner in the world tells you that you showed up in that section of his Twitter account. And don’t even ask me if I asked him if he appreciated my twitter avatar. It’s like you people don’t even know me.
If there is a small chance that you might vomit in the middle of the night, make sure to eat Skittles before you go to bed. That way when you do throw up, you get to taste the rainbow which is much tastier than Tums.
If a medical professional is about to start an IV or draw blood, and they brag about how they never miss, run. Flee as quickly as possible.
It is perfectly alright to appreciate the irony of wearing your Jack Daniels t-shirt while you’re upchucking in the bathroom closest to your oncologist’s exam room. It’s also ok to be amused by the fact that you now wear a scrunchie on your wrist. You haven’t had to do that since your early 20s.
If you use the term ‘bandaid smegma’ in front of a nurse, there’s a 50/50 chance that she’ll run away in disgust or will find it hilarious. The ones who find it funny are always better nurses.
PS – If you ever need horrible advice about whether or not a post will be appropriate, just asking Chris or Michael. They will always lead you the wrong way, and that is one of the many reasons why I love them and want them to carry my unborn children.