Pinterest is full of amazing things: ways to decorate your spare pool house, crafts you can make out of used condoms, vintage pictures of Liza Minnelli. It’s great!
Pinterest is also full of foods of all sorts. Vegan ham sandwiches, liver cupcakes, fifty ways to use Vienna Sausages, it’s all there. Not only can you find these recipes, you can find a recipe to celebrate any season, holiday or event.
I have noticed that some bloggers get a bit, well, exuberant when it comes to holidays. One look at Pinterest tells you exactly which holiday or event is coming up. See pictures of ‘Chili Cheese Dog Chicken Wing Nachos’? The Superbowl is coming up. If a glimpse of ‘Chicken and Lamb Wrapped Hard Boiled Eggs with Duck Sauce’ catches your eye, you know Easter will soon be upon us.
Sometimes I come up with really great ideas when I have a little bourbon in me. This is not one of those ideas.
Now I’m a sucker for an Irish Drunken Cake. Give me a recipe for Colcannon, and I’m happy. I’ll eat a green colored cupcake with orange sprinkles on top with a happy heart. But I wanted to push the green colored, shamrock shaped envelope. I wanted to see if I could top such dishes as ‘Green & Orange Frosted Lucky Charm Rice Krispies Treats’. Or ‘Irish Whiskey Frosted Guinness and Bailey’s Irish Cream Cupcakes Stuffed with an Actual Irish Car Bomb So You Can Eat Sweets and Be Culturally Insensitive As Well’. I wanted to see how many Irish foods I could put into an actual recipe. I wanted a recipe that would capture the quintessential St. Patrick’s Day spirit that causes college students to drink green beer.
The following recipe is the ultimate of St. Patrick’s Day awesomeness. I have put every ounce of my Irish heart and soul into it. Get ready to have your shamrock socks blown off.
Green Shamrock Shaped Guinness Infused Potato Irish Cheddar Bread Corned Beef Sandwiches with Orange Mayonnaise.
Note: This recipe is a very fluid process. No knead bread is a simple thing, and I’m not going to give you complicated lists of ingredients. Just follow along, and you too can un-canonize the man who drove the nonexistent snakes out of Ireland.
Ingredients and Directions:
The key to any good recipe is using the finest ingredients. If you want this recipe to work out, you need to use the finest Irish cheddar you can find. Guinness is also mandatory. I realize that you may prefer Murphy’s Irish Stout, but tradition stops for no one.
Measure out 3 cups of all purpose flour into a large bowl. Add 1/4 teaspoon yeast and 1 teaspoon salt to the bowl. Mix well.
Open the Guinness and start to measure out 1/4 cup beer into the bowl. Stop. Look at that beer. Do you really want to waste it on bread? Run back down to the store and pick up a six pack of the noblest of beers, American made Pabst Blue Ribbon. Pour 1/4 cup PBR into the mixture while wearing skinny jeans and thick framed glasses. Put on your favorite album by a Bonnaroo artist. Make sure it’s on vinyl. Open the Guinness. Drink.
Pour 1 cup water into the bowl. Stir the beejeezus out of it. Cover your bowl and let sit for 12-24 hours.
Wake up in the morning. Take a deep breath and prepare yourself for the task at hand. Get up and procrastinate making the bread for a few hours. Decide you will feel no shame and put on your finest green colored clothes. Look and don’t find your shamrock earrings. Put your pink handcuff ones on instead. Get ready to dive into Irishness.
Look at your bread dough. Experience it. Now add a few drops of blue and yellow food coloring. Be reminded of the time your mom sobbed over the cake she made for your eighth birthday because the grass on the cake came out diarrhea green. Smile at this fond memory. Pour a glass of Irish whiskey.
Stir and knead to distribute the coloring evenly in the dough. It will be a very wet dough. Color correct if needed.
Cook 3 medium red potatoes until they’re almost done. Dice up into 1/2 inch pieces. Eat some underdone potato. Why? Because it’s potato, and potatoes rule.
Dice up 3 ounces of Irish Cheddar. Grab a block of store brand cheddar out of your refrigerator because there’s no way in hell you’re going to waste expensive Irish cheddar in this recipe. Dice the store brand cheddar into 1/2 inch cubes. Happily nibble the Irish cheddar in between sips of your whiskey. Say to yourself “What the Hell!” and finish off the rest of the PBRs. Take a quick ride on your single speed bike. Come back home and cleanse your palate with more Irish cheddar.
Stir the potato and cheese cubes into your dough. Make sure to distribute them evenly throughout. Smirk at all the people who shorten St. Patrick’s Day to St. Patty’s Day. Everyone knows it’s St. Patrick’s Day. St. Paddy’s Day if you’re nasty.
Shaping the dough takes skill and concentration. This is not something to take lightly. Shape the dough into something resembling a shamrock. Realize you should never attempt challah.
Transfer your shamrock onto a piece of parchment paper placed on a sheet pan. Dampen a kitchen towel and place over your shamrock. Put in a warm place. Go relax for a bit. Sober up because you’re going to be dealing with hot things. Safety is paramount.
After you’ve let the dough rise for two hours, remove the kitchen towel from the risen dough and preheat your oven to 400 degrees.
After the oven has pre-heated, bake your dough for 40 minutes. Pull the bread out of the oven and behold it’s glory. Let cool.
Realize that you haven’t started braising your corned beef. Think about heading down to the grocery store on your single speed bike. Realize this probably isn’t a good idea. Grab some ham out of the fridge instead.
Pull out your food coloring again and dye your mayonnaise orange. Realize there is no way to cut your shamrock into slices, but making buns out of this bread should be easy. Pull the petioles off your stem and slice into lengthwise. Try to remember if this is the right term from sophomore biology, decide you don’t care and spread orange mayonnaise on both pieces of your shamrock. Pile the corned beef(or ham) onto your breast (that was a typo but it sounds like more fun than bread) and throw some cabbage on it. Put the two sides together.
Make a McLynchburg Lemonade or drink a beer, eat your sandwich and revel in your glorious Irish heritage. Attempt to write a blog post about this sandwich and convince yourself that spelling and grammar errors are part of the creative process. Listen to your husband remark that he’s never been so glad to be gluten free. Let St. Patrick’s day spirit infuse your body, for everyone’s Irish on St. Patrick’s Day.
Beg everyone you know to pin this recipe on Pinterest.
Note: The pretend holiday foods I listed above are ones I made up. They were not based on any real recipes I found, so if you have those particular recipes on your blog, I am not making fun of you.
Who am I kidding? I am making fun of you. Shamrock Bailey Irish Cream filled Soda Bread Sandwiches with Corned Beef for everyone!
Happy Saint Patrick’s Day everyone! Just say no to green beer!