The Oscars are this Sunday. I know there are many people that delight in the glamour, the splendor and the honor that winning an award brings to the actors, actresses, directors and producers in the movie business.
But I hope you all know me well enough to know that what I’m looking forward to is the opportunity to drink cocktails, eat fattening food and snark on the whole ridiculous charade of the event. What better way to do that than with a drinking game? And let’s all make sure to drunk-tweet using #oscarsnark.
You can choose some of these options or all of them (make sure you don’t have to go into work the next day). You can make bingo cards with the various choices. I’ve made sure to list some tasty snacks to help you soak up the booze.
Now on to the drinking game options. Luckily, I have a lot of friends who still delight in drinking games. Those delightful boozehounds helped me immensely. Here are the rules:
Drink every time someone gets played off the stage by the orchestra while giving their speech.
Each time you see Anne Hathaway cry, drink.
Take a drink if someone copies Sally Field’s ‘You like me’ speech.
If Sally Field gives that speech, finish your drink.
Drink when you get the first glimpse of John Travolta’s hideous toupée.
Drink every time the camera cuts from Ben Affleck to Jennifer Lopez to Jennifer Garner.
Each time the camera cuts to anyone from the entity I like to refer to as JenniJustPittAngel, drink.
Take a drink each time Joan River’s face moves. Expect to not be taking a lot of drinks for this.
Drink every time Nicole Kidman’s face moves.
Take a celebratory drink if Keith Urban is spotted, because the highlights in his hair are a work of art and should be celebrated as such.
Whenever a guy flubs a designers name (Except for Versace), drink.
Drink each time Ryan Seacrest mentions his “girlfriend” Julianne Hough in his effort to appear heterosexual.
Every time the camera cuts to Joaquin Phoenix, and he is sulking, drink.
If a British actor gets an award and is too important to show up to claim it, drink.
Take a drink each time a side boob or underboob is sighted.
Take two drinks if butt cleavage shows up.
If Jon Hamm shows up and is obviously letting the python in his pants go commando again, all the ladies should toast to it and finish their drink.
Drink each time the mani-cam is used. (I did not know this existed and I wish it had stayed that way.)
When the camera pans to Taylor Swift, drink.
If Zooey Deschanel wears a twee manic pixie dream girl dress, drink while adorably spinning in a circle.
Every time the camera pans to Daniel Day Lewis and he looks “not impressed”, drink.
If you’re a seasoned drinker, each time someone uses the word amazing to describe a script, another actor, or anyone else involved in movie making, drink.
Drink each time Seth McFarlane makes an off-color joke, and the camera pans to the subject of said joke.
Roll your eyes and drink anytime someone makes a reference to their “craft”.
If Helena Bonham Carter wears some outrageously crazy dress that just makes you happy, toast her crazy ass and drink.
Each time the camera cuts to Tom Cruise, and he is grinning manically, drink.
If Bjork shows up in an outfit that tops the Swan costume, you have to eat the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle.
If anyone pronounces Versace like Ver-sayce, turn the TV off and immediately do 5 shots of whatever bottle of booze is closest. There’s no way anything else at the Oscars can top that.
I do want to warn you that this is the first year that the Academy is using an electronic voting system. Get ready for hanging chads, or make sure you’re prepared for a 6 hour show that consists of only a Guy Fawkes mask on your TV screen.
And I am posting this for no other reason than it’s awesome:
I’ve written an article on BlogHer about the Oscars, pairing menus with each Best Picture Nominee. If you’re visiting for the first time, welcome! You’re welcome to join the rest of us in our Oscar Drinking game post which will appear tomorrow.
The boy that thinks you’re swell has chloroform in his hands.
If you’re a late menu planner like me, here are some suggestions on tasty ways to wine and dine, woo and seduce your partner this Valentine’s Day. I’m not promising that these foods will get you laid, but they will taste good. You will not see a single oyster recipe on here because oysters are not going to get someone into bed because of magical aphrodisiac properties. Ladies – if you’re looking for a little action from your male partner, I’d strongly suggest doughnuts and pumpkin pie. Men – if you’re hoping that Valentine’s Day ends with a bedroom romp with your lady friend, do the dishes, vacuum the house and do a little manscaping.
His dog is totally going to bite you.
I’ve tried to have both easy and more complicated dishes on my list. Sometimes Marcus and I like to go all out and cook all kinds of intricate dishes. And sometimes we make do with cured meats, different cheeses, bread and bar of really good chocolate. But we never make do without the booze.
I’m very disturbed they’re talking about his Big Boy.
Watch out ladies. We’ve got a stage 5 clinger on our hands.
She wants to put your actual heart on that string.
Happy Racist Valentine’s Day!
I don’t want anyone to explain the BDSM that’s going on in this scene.
Sorry for all the extra vintage Valentine’s Day cards. When people bitch about how things aren’t like they were in the old days, say “Thank God!” and show them this page. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!